For yours (and my) flashback pleasure!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Everything Makes Sense in Bed
No matter what I'm doing, no matter what inner turmoil is wracking my brain at that moment, my life just seems to click when I'm lying in bed. In those final moments before sleep, when I'm reading "Eat Pray Love" or trying to find a comfortable position, everything comes up. Sometimes it's shame for something I've done that day or for the way I think I look; sometimes it's a motivating speech to get myself out of a bad mood; everything just clicks in those moments, and I finally understand why it's more important to explore my feelings, instead of shoving them down with food. I get that I need to study more, and get on top of my schoolwork, if I want to see those straight A's that I'm so desperate to get this year. I understand different ways that I can make new friends, stop myself from burning bridges.
And then I go to sleep, and I wake up, and it's the same old pattern.
So maybe it's time I come up with new patterns. Like having those moments in the morning, before I get out of bed. Not wasting my time watching TV. Being on campus more.
Just some thoughts.
And then I go to sleep, and I wake up, and it's the same old pattern.
So maybe it's time I come up with new patterns. Like having those moments in the morning, before I get out of bed. Not wasting my time watching TV. Being on campus more.
Just some thoughts.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Little Beth
There is a little girl I know. She's as thin as a rail, she has an unfortunate haircut (did Mom just plop the bowl on her head and chop? What was she thinking?), and she loves to wear patterned clothes with Barney, Belle, and Jasmine printed all over them.
She's painfully shy, and will hide behind her mother's skirts if she has to talk one of her parent's friends. She doesn't make friends easily; she'll wait to be approached, instead of introducing herself, even at the tender age of 5. Her first grade teacher will call her conscientious, a good listener. She will say that it's a joy having her read aloud to the rest of the class.
Somewhere along the way, she let her shyness overtake the rest of her. Throughout the years, she'll stay safe. She'll stick with the friends she's had since fourth grade, take months to let new friends in, worry about what everyone else is thinking. She'll let her thoughts manifest themselves in others' words...even though she thinks she knows that people really aren't that mean. The other kids at school won't think of her the way she thinks of herself. Her greatest wish, when she is 12 years old, will be to peek inside other kids' minds. See what they're thinking. Prove to herself that they're thinking terrible things about her.
When she's 21, or maybe even a few years before that, she'll learn that people really aren't that selfless. Usually, people are thinking about their own problems - not the awkward clothes or the red face of the girl who's just spent an hour sweating her ass off on the elliptical at the gym.
I do everything for this little girl. She had no idea what was in store for her at age 5; she just knew what was right and what was wrong. She still gets those impulses; it's how she makes most of the major decisions in life. This little girl has the world at her feet in their Barney slippers. She's not going to let her days waste away; she's going to find out that each moment is precious, and every one worth living for.
She's painfully shy, and will hide behind her mother's skirts if she has to talk one of her parent's friends. She doesn't make friends easily; she'll wait to be approached, instead of introducing herself, even at the tender age of 5. Her first grade teacher will call her conscientious, a good listener. She will say that it's a joy having her read aloud to the rest of the class.
Somewhere along the way, she let her shyness overtake the rest of her. Throughout the years, she'll stay safe. She'll stick with the friends she's had since fourth grade, take months to let new friends in, worry about what everyone else is thinking. She'll let her thoughts manifest themselves in others' words...even though she thinks she knows that people really aren't that mean. The other kids at school won't think of her the way she thinks of herself. Her greatest wish, when she is 12 years old, will be to peek inside other kids' minds. See what they're thinking. Prove to herself that they're thinking terrible things about her.
When she's 21, or maybe even a few years before that, she'll learn that people really aren't that selfless. Usually, people are thinking about their own problems - not the awkward clothes or the red face of the girl who's just spent an hour sweating her ass off on the elliptical at the gym.
I do everything for this little girl. She had no idea what was in store for her at age 5; she just knew what was right and what was wrong. She still gets those impulses; it's how she makes most of the major decisions in life. This little girl has the world at her feet in their Barney slippers. She's not going to let her days waste away; she's going to find out that each moment is precious, and every one worth living for.
Monday, August 16, 2010
This is what happens when I don't feel like sleeping
It's not even that I'm not tired, I just don't see the point in sleeping right now. Is that so wrong? Yeah it's probably a bad habit to be getting into. Especially now. A week before school starts.
But here's what I've been listening to that's been distracting me:
- Katie Melua/Eva Cassidy duet of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Made me cry.
- Ida Maria: Oh My God and I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked
- Ellie Goulding: Guns and Horses
- Katie Melua: Two Bare Feet
- Selena Gomez: Round and Round.
Saw Scott Pilgrim vs. the World today. LOVED IT. Loved the concept, loved the music, loved the effects, loved the comedic timing. It was perfect escapism.
But here's what I've been listening to that's been distracting me:
- Katie Melua/Eva Cassidy duet of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Made me cry.
- Ida Maria: Oh My God and I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked
- Ellie Goulding: Guns and Horses
- Katie Melua: Two Bare Feet
- Selena Gomez: Round and Round.
Saw Scott Pilgrim vs. the World today. LOVED IT. Loved the concept, loved the music, loved the effects, loved the comedic timing. It was perfect escapism.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Things I learned in Summer 2010
Really, this is more of an accumulation of Life Lessons that have crept up on me, somehow making this one of the best summers ever.
1. It's OK to say no. Especially to a boy. I've made a lot of mistakes when it comes to wanting attention from the opposite sex, and for the most part I've forgiven myself for acting a drunken desperate fool.
2. You will think about your first love. A lot. Sometimes it will worry you, how much you're thinking about him. But it's completely fine. The two of you went through a lot together; you were with each other for a long time. It makes sense that he'll be there, somewhere, in the back of your mind.
3. In conversations, observe and then talk. Balanced, feel-good conversations only happen when your focus is not to tell someone else how to live, but when you listen to someone else, and ruminate on crazy situations.
4. Regretting your situation won't make it any better. If I'm going through a phase where I feel like my internship wasn't good enough, my school didn't offer enough classes, my school is too small...forget it.
5. Brilliant mentors are diamonds and can push you to learn things about yourself that you would never have expected. They are catalysts for change. They are tornadoes that blow through your life, picking up all your expectations and deep-rooted beliefs and plopping them down in the middle of nowhere, leaving you stranded and confused, but wiser and stronger for it.
6. Good friends never go out of style. That sounds like something that would be in Glamour magazine...but it's true. Having good friends builds confidence and makes me happy.
1. It's OK to say no. Especially to a boy. I've made a lot of mistakes when it comes to wanting attention from the opposite sex, and for the most part I've forgiven myself for acting a drunken desperate fool.
2. You will think about your first love. A lot. Sometimes it will worry you, how much you're thinking about him. But it's completely fine. The two of you went through a lot together; you were with each other for a long time. It makes sense that he'll be there, somewhere, in the back of your mind.
3. In conversations, observe and then talk. Balanced, feel-good conversations only happen when your focus is not to tell someone else how to live, but when you listen to someone else, and ruminate on crazy situations.
4. Regretting your situation won't make it any better. If I'm going through a phase where I feel like my internship wasn't good enough, my school didn't offer enough classes, my school is too small...forget it.
5. Brilliant mentors are diamonds and can push you to learn things about yourself that you would never have expected. They are catalysts for change. They are tornadoes that blow through your life, picking up all your expectations and deep-rooted beliefs and plopping them down in the middle of nowhere, leaving you stranded and confused, but wiser and stronger for it.
6. Good friends never go out of style. That sounds like something that would be in Glamour magazine...but it's true. Having good friends builds confidence and makes me happy.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Time for a Change
I tend to come into fads right as they're starting to go out of style, or just as they become full-blown trends that become...necessities. For instance, I bought my first pair of skinny jeans last week. I didn't become a full-fledged Gleek until around March of this year, right as they were starting the second half of the season. So it stands to reason that I'm going to hop on the full-fledged blogging bandwagon like, 10 years or so after it officially started. (Do I have my chronology right? Who knows.)
In any case, I'm updating this blog. Soon. Just as soon as my internship at a business magazine is over, because WOAH NELLY did my boss leave the work for last.
It'll start with a name change. L'histoires de ma coeur just sounds kinda....romantic/tragic/wistful. So I'll think about that, and the site design, in the next week, and then broadcast the change out into the blogosphere. It'll be fun, right?
New topics to include:
In any case, I'm updating this blog. Soon. Just as soon as my internship at a business magazine is over, because WOAH NELLY did my boss leave the work for last.
It'll start with a name change. L'histoires de ma coeur just sounds kinda....romantic/tragic/wistful. So I'll think about that, and the site design, in the next week, and then broadcast the change out into the blogosphere. It'll be fun, right?
New topics to include:
- What it's like to be a first-year NCAA D3 athlete (as a senior)
- Poetry/lyrics
- Musings on life
- What it means to change
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Road Ahead: What I've Learned at Hood College
A long, meandering post in which I ruminate on life and all it has to offer.
Well, yes and no.
I have learned a lot in the last three years. I've taken classes in history, psychology, literature, communications, science (ew), math, and French. I've got a cumulative 3.06 GPA, which basically means I've scraped by. Some classes didn't teach me anything; I suffered through the boredom and just hoped for the best - which usually meant a B or a C. Some classes were extremely difficult and even after putting in hours of study, I only just scraped by with a C.
And then there were those classes that made me think. They taught me new things, opened my eyes. News Writing was one of those classes; as were Cultures of the Middle East, Old English, and the History of US Intelligence and Espionage. And it was the professors who really influenced what I got out of the lessons. Wonderful people who were passionate about their fields who passed on not just information, but also belief systems, methods of inquiry, a change in view. (Alright, now I sound like the school's course catalog. Great.)
When it comes to my own education, it's a mix of hippie and conservative. I appreciate the time that people have invested in me, and I love the idea of learning new things; but I don't always see their use. When it's the middle of the semester and tests are coming up and I'm frustrated because it take 2 hours to read and translate 10 lines of the Old English version of "The Wanderer," I don't see the point. It's hard to understand how this is going to be useful.
It's moments like that when I need to stop and think about the intangible benefits of knowing this story. It's moments like that when I need to recognize that a future employer, or even I, won't care that I've translated the poem; what they'll care about is the fact that I had the tenacity to do it entirely (without cheating - true story), straight through, and actually enjoy it.
Which brings me to my point.
As an English/Communications major, it's tough to see sometimes where my degrees are going to get me. Who's going to hire an English major? I have no marketable skills! That, I think, is where I'm wrong in thinking. Sure, I'm not going to get hired as a nurse or a physician or a statistician or a lab worker or whatever, but I am going to get hired to do any other number of other jobs, and it's up to me to decide where that will go.
Well originally this post was going to be a kind of personal response to this:
but obviously I've rambled a bit. I'm going into my last year of school and I'm feeling part nervous, part excited. I have 1 job offer already, plus am being recruited (less than enthusiastically - does email count?) by a few companies. I'm going to try to apply to grad schools, so I can have a backup plan/more time to write/postpone my corporate life.
My parents have raised me to believe that hard work leads to success which leads to financial comfort. I'm lucky in that I'm not starting from nothing, exactly: I have the option of running to Mommy and Daddy if all else fails, but I would see that itself as a failure. Yes I'm scared of what's ahead and yes I'm horrible at saving money, but I don't want to be that 24-year-old girl who's still living at home, sending out resumes in the morning and picking my little sister up from school in the afternoon. My parents have made it pretty clear that when I'm done with undergrad, I'm done at home. Sure I'll always have a place to stay if I need one, but only as a last resort: 9 months from now, I am gone.
I guess the point of this post was just to work through a few things in my mind, and to prove that we're not all screwed up and spoiled like Scott Nicholson. I think my generation will have a tough time wading through previous expectations that are heaped on us, whether they're good or bad; and while some of us will have our own expectations that we say "fulfill or else!" to, some of us will be realistic and recognize that you do have to start at the bottom, and there's absolutely no shame in that. Life is the most random series of events, and you have to embrace it that way.
xo
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